Huge week last week. 5-1 on the picks. 25-20-3 on the year now. I have an exapnded picks post for you this week. Because of it being conference championship weekend in college, there are eight picks, rather than the standard six. So why waste time? Leggo!
Home team in CAPS.
UCLA (+32) vs. No. 9 OREGON (Pac-12 Championship) — This game is the epitome of how fraudulent college football is. UCLA at 6-6 are in a conference championship game. OK, not really a big deal. That’s just how the division alignment worked out this year. Could have easily happened in a similar scenario with the NFL. But here’s where things get absurd. If UCLA wins this game, they make the BCS as a barely bowl eligible 7-6 team, but if they lose, they fall below .500 and would not be bowl eligible. This is as unbelievable as Kanye West not getting an Album of the Year nom at the Grammy’s for either Watch the Throne or My Dark Twisted Fantasy. But wait! The NCAA actually granted the Bruins a waiver that would allow them to participate in a bowl game with a 6-7 record, thus proving even more my point about what a complete fraud college football is.
No. 1 LSU (-14) vs. No. 14 Georgia (SEC Championship) — A lot of people have said this season has been a good example for why we should not go to a playoff system in college football. I’m sorry, but was I not watching the same college football season? What I saw this year was one of the most fucked-up college football seasons we’ve seen. We have an undefeated god-forsaken Conference USA team knocking on the BCS’s door! We almost had a three-way tie between SEC schools at the top of the BCS standings a week ago! There’s going to be around half a dozen one-loss teams, all with valid credentials, making their cases for why they should be in the title game! Lou Holtz is still old! I mean, it’s absolute chaos.
People say not having a playoff to sort out this mess is good because it makes college football fun to talk about. Look, you either love college football or you don’t. Don’t muddle the system just because it will make a few more people more interested. You know what else is a fucked-up thing that’s fun to talk about? Jersey Shore. But nobody is going around saying that show is a brilliant aspect of life and by talking about it around the water cooler every week we advance our society. And so, yes, I hope Georgia wins this game (they probably won’t), further throwing the sorry, fraudulent, crooked, deceitful, bureaucratic BCS into a complete tailspin, hopefully leading to the fiery death it deserves.
No. 3 OKLAHOMA STATE (-3.5) vs. No. 9 Oklahoma (“Bedlam”/De facto Big 12 championship) — Landry Jones. Brandon Weeden. Yawn. Great passing games. Hoping for a good, high-scoring game. But since I can’t find anything interesting about this game to talk about (I sure miss the days when people in Oklahoma were screaming about being a 40-year-old man in press conferences or covering up lunches with Deion Sanders), I’m just going to use this space to talk about The X Factor. When I last brought up X Factor I shared my bubbling adoration for Paige, the cute blonde girl from Lakoda Rayne. The very next episode I found out she had a boyfriend. I was crushed (like I had a chance anyway). That disappointment dissipated quickly, however, once I saw that this boyfriend had a ponytail, a studded nose piercing and wore a vest. Suddenly I started to question liking this girl in the first place. Anyway, Lakoda Rayne got the boot last week. I wasn’t as disappointed as I thought I would have been.
Drew was of the people to get the boot this week. Simon Cowell, her mentor, was pissed the other judges voted to send her home. Dude looked like he was going to murder someone at the end of last night’s episode. And to that I say good. Drew was so overrated. Every song she sang sounded exactly the same, as if every week she was singing the same Imogen Heap cover (without the voice effects). And after each performance the judges would all say, “Oh Drew, you’re so talented.” Please. I applaud the person who got retweeted hundreds of times for comparing Drew to a “dying whale.”
No. 20 Clemson (+7) vs. No. 5 Virginia Tech (ACC Championship) — One thing I’ve learned from the ACC this year is that nothing works out the way it’s supposed to. Florida State started the year ranked in the top 10 and was projected to contend for a national title. The Noles are now unranked. Virginia Tech naturally stepped up as the ACC frontrunner, until they ran into a streaking Clemson squad. Georgia Tech was looking swanky at 6-0 but they’ve since fizzled out. Clemson was a sexy team for a long time until a struggling Georgia Tech ruined their hopes for an undefeated season (one of Tech’s two wins in the last six weeks). Hell, even Virginia looked like it may sneak in and win the ACC. Now we’re back to to Virginia Tech being the odds-on favorite to take the conference. But I feel like there’s more surprises left to behold in this ACC season.
No. 15 Wisconsin (-10) vs. No. 13 Michigan State (Big Ten Championship) — I flipped a coin.
STEELERS (-7) vs. Bengals — For this game, in addition to flags, referees will also be equipped with red and yellow cards, which they are instructed to use only for penalties involving Jerome Simpson.
GIANTS (+7) vs. Packers — Right now it looks as if the Giants have as much promise to make the playoffs as Herman Cain does to win a husband of the year award. New York’s lost three straight and in the process has surrendered first place in the NFC East to Tony Romo and the Cowboys. (Pause for America to collectively puke.) But the Giants have always been an inconsistent team. This year especially. If they lose to the Seahawks one week, they’ll beat the Patriots in another. If they lose three in a row, winning three in a row wouldn’t be out of the question. Sure, the defense is banged up and hardly looks sharp. But this team is as goofy as Eli Manning looks in Sunday Night Football’s Faith Hill intro. I wouldn’t be surprised if they began a playoff push starting with an (epic) upset this weekend.
SAINTS (-9) vs. Lions — Yeah, it’s pretty safe to say Ndamukong Suh is an asshole for stomping a Packers player on the ground on Thanksgiving. And it’s also safe to say he’s an asshole for all the half dozen other arguably “dirty” plays he’s been flagged for. But you know what makes him an even bigger asshole? His appealing the two-game suspension that was no less for the stomp than it was for his track record of inappropriate behavior on the field. The balls this guy has! So, Suh is basically saying he hasn’t done anything that should deserve missed time. I mean, that’s like saying you didn’t really stomp that Packers player and instead insisting that you were “being pulled down.” Oh, wait. Yeah, this guy is about as credible as Michele Bachmann speaking about gay rights.